Falling Out of Love: Marriage and Relationships Can Survive
89Falling Out of Love
Can your marriage survive when you fall out of love?
Falling out of love with your husband, wife or partner is a very troubling time. Even worse is when our partner says they've fallen out of love with us because it feels like a massive rejection. We ask ourselves questions like, "Does this mean the marriage is over?", "Can we get the feeling back?" , "Shall we keep working at this relationship?" To understand falling out of love, we first need to look at what's happening when we fall in love and the typical stages that marriages and love relationships go through.
You're going to find out why we fall out of love and why it's well worth perservering with relationships and marriages beyond that point.
What Comes After Falling in Love?
Many of us are not aware that relationships go through several distinct phases with a huge number giving up and looking for someone new when we begin to have a sense that we're falling out of love and areas of conflict arise. But persevering through these stages can open us up to a mature and steady love relationship that in the end is more satisfying, and has greater longevity, than the quality of falling in love has.
The Stages of a Love Relationship
- Falling in Love - Infatuation!
- The Biology of Love - Hormones!
- Getting through the difficult phase - Conflict! (This is usually where spouses or partners may feel they are falling out of love.)
-
The Beginning of Real Love - Intimacy!
Falling in Love or in Other Words - Romantic Love
So what is romantic love? We know It's characterised by feelings of falling in love; sexual desire and gratification; a merging of two people; a removal of boundaries; a feeling of oneness with the other; seeing the other as perfect in every way. This kind of feeling is no doubt pleasurable but it may have it's roots in our biological make up rather than in anything mystical.
The Biology of Love
Think about it. From a biological perspective our main driver is to procreate. What better way could there be to make babies than falling in love, seeing the loved one as perfection incarnate and having a deep need to make love as often as possible? What a fantastically clever mechanism for us to overcome our normal arms length distance from each other and actually get close enough to procreate.
There are definite biological changes that take place when we fall in love. Cortisol, testosterone and oxytocin rush through our bodies creating the familiar feelings of butterflies in the stomach, tingling, excitement and rushes of emotion. Research has shown that oxytocin (known in scientific circles as the cuddle chemical!) promotes pair bonding, which is why it is produced in huge amounts during birth and lactation. It is also produced during orgasm and I guess most of us know how cuddly we feel after that.
Another factor in the research is that these hormones drop to normal levels after 12- 28 months of being in a relationship which co-incides directly with the feelings we have of falling out of love.
Romantic love has been exalted to an untenable position which is very unlikely to last more than a few years. People fall out of love and the relationship is usually over - divorces, break ups and damaged families are the normal outcomes. We've become addicted to the hormone rush fuelled by the media hype and don't know what to do when it's over except to find someone new. But there is another choice and that is to make a commitment to love instead.
The Difficult Phase
Now think about your husband, wife or partner. The rush may be coming to an end. No longer are they seen through the rose tinted specs furnished by hormonal love as perfect beings capable of fulfilling our every need and desire. We see their faults and their negative characteristics more and more clearly and even more scarily - they see ours. Usually during this phase of the relationship we argue and fight. No longer do the two wish to be merged into one super being.
What's happening on a psychological level is that we are reclaiming our individuality. This phase takes patience and negotiation and also the firm realisation that this is a normal part of a relationship. Do your best to be loving, even when you don't particularly feel like it. Develop the friendship side of your relationship. Try not to be critical of the petty things like when they leave their dirty underwear on the floor or forget to put the trash out. Remember that this other person is a separate individual with their own thoughts, feelings, beliefs and behaviours just as you are. Be willing to compromise, accept changes and try to find mutually satisfying solutions to your difficulties. This is where good communication will really help support your marriage through to the next stage. If you're not sure where to start, I recommend taking a look at this communication tool, which will help you identify the relationship areas that need discussion.
Above all, during this difficult phase of your marriage, do not resort to nasty tactics such as cheating, lying, being abusive or playing psychological games. Be honest about how you feel and take the risk of being vulnerable with your partner. Be aware that if these "rules" are broken, the relationship is unlikely to weather the storm because trust will be irrevocably damaged and that is the one thing, no matter how hard things become, that needs to stay intact if you're going to make to the next stage of your marriage.
The Beginning of Real Love
You may have thought that with the earlier explanation of how biology plays a role in love, and how we get confused between real love and romantic love that real love doesn't exist - but it does - we can all testify to it. it's a case of being aware that real love, of the ordinary, quiet type, doesn't really start until the hormone rush is over. Real love is a choice we make - it's not based on feelings.
Anyone who has been in a long term relationship will tell you they don't always like their partner and they don't always have loving feelings toward them either. In fact being loving in the absence of these feelings is real love because it requires effort. Now I can see you shaking your head and wondering whether to keep on reading. Well try thinking of it this way....
Remember the times you have been up with your child in the night or, if you don't have children, a night when you have slept poorly. You feel tired and exhausted, maybe a bit emotional because of the sleep deprivation. All you want to do is curl up in a cosy blanket and go to sleep. Typically, unaffected by the lack of sleep Junior is crawling around full of beans and wants to play or a friend calls with a problem. What do you do?
I would guess that most of you would put your own feelings aside and play with junior or talk your friend through their difficulty even though you don't really "feel like it". If so this is a loving act indeed! You have made a choice to love not based on intense feelings but because you want to be loving.
This choice is what loving, long term relationships and marriages are based on. You can be guaranteed that the giddy infatuation will wear off. The hormones will subside. So long as you have followed the rules during the difficult period and have not broken the basic trust between you, you will find that infatuation is replaced with a deep abiding respect for one another; a trust and level of support you have not known before; an intimacy that will surprise you in it's ability to fulfill and sustain you. These joys only come to those who are willing to ride both the storms of hormones and of conflict but they are well worth the effort. Falling out of love really isn't the end unless you let it become so - it's the beginning of a whole new chapter in your marriage.
If You've Never Read this Book - Read it! It will change the way you look at relationships forever
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Thank you for the compliments Tom :)
I particularly like your comment about a long life! Not dying would be a great way to achieve that!
I ENJOYED READING YOUR HUB.I LOOK FORWARD TO READING MORE .THANKS FOR RESPONDING.YOUR "THE BEGINNING OF REAL LOVE",SHOULD BE THE MAIN FOCUS FOR LOVING.BUT...............YOU ARE...... RIGHT.ENJOYING THE JOURNEY .PEACE.
That is a clear explanation of what happens; thank you. Maybe that's why the second time around works better. Maybe we expect the rush and know we need to connect on a deeper level from the start. My wife and I did that and we haven't had any problems in 19 years.
Thanks for share. It help us to find the true love.great hub
Susana S,
Nice hub, nice concise look at the topic. Real Love wins out more than the average person recognizes! Thanks for tackling the subject.
Great article! I couldn't agree with it more....Thanks!!
I am glad I came upon this article. I plan to share it with my friend who is going through the difficult phase. It is tragic when so many marriages disolve because they come out of the romance/biology stage and get stuck in the difficult phase. What a concise and accurate article! Thank you!
Hi, thanks for becomming a follower. I'm following you also. I love your stuff, and this hub is kind of a personal favorite. I'm new to the hubbing experience, so I'm a little rough around the edges. I'm thinking of writting a hub on young love. (I've never gotten over my high school sweat heart from a million years ago.) If I do, I'd appreciate your help and or critique. Again, I love your work.
mwnp
Thanks a lot for the praise MWNP :) It's funny you know I like this hub on falling out of love too, but unfortunately I don't get many readers for it. It was a surprise to find a comment here! You'll see that I write a lot of sales type hubs with a spinkling of the more meaty hubs in between (so don't be put off if you see a lot of sales stuff from me, I need to do it to pay the bills!)
If you want any help, feel free to email me :)
This makes alot of sense but what happens if your wife has had an affair and cheated on her husband during this time of being confused and feeling out of love? The trust has been broken. How can you fix that if possible?
Hi Tony, the only way to deal with it really is to talk it through either on your own or with a therapist. If you are both still committed to making the relationship work you can get through but it will take a lot of time. There are no instant fixes. Best of luck.
Perhaps I am young and naive enough to not know what I am saying here... but I feel love is like the tulip bulb. Like you have said it can die and go away, like the flower over winter.... however, that initial attraction, sexuality and infatuation is like that bulb forever laying under the surface. While it may fade, if we work and cultivate the garden, ensure its health. Or trying new fertilizers to make it bloom again, it is always possible to fall back in love, or keep that love there when it is fading away.
I agree with you IdeaMorphist and I like your analogy. It's just a shame that so often people give up when then bulb goes into winter mode, when if they rode it out they would find it has so much more to give and the bloom will be even better than last years :)
Susana, I feel it is important not to conflate libido with romantic love. For that matter, we shouldn't confuse attachment with romantic love, either. By romantic love, I mean limerence (or attraction).
One of the problems is that we use the word "love" to describe so many separate and different things, that it can often be difficult to communicate clearly about it. There are three systems, involving completely different sets of neurochemicals, that are associated with the human reproductive process. Colloquially we call them lust, attraction and attachment.
It seems as if when you talk of falling in and out of love here, you are talking about lust and attraction as if they were inseparable, and then you refer to attachment as if it were "real love".
Well, all of these feelings: lust, attraction and attachment are "real" feelings, in the sense that they have real neural correlates. Not a single one of them is a choice. We can't choose what we feel. We can only choose what we do about it.
When it comes to the feeling of falling in love, lust, attraction and attachment come together in a unique way and give rise to what one psychologist calls "passionate love". (I've chosen to call it romantic love). This is a transitory feeling, but many people don't seem to realise that.
Of course we can have lust without attraction e.g. feeling amorous and having sex with someone we are not attracted to. We can have attraction without lust, as in someone we feel deeply connected to, such as a friend, without feeling the need to have sex with them. But neither of these scenarios are what this article is about. It's about moving on from the social construct of what love is and understanding love relationships on a deeper level.
When I talk about real love I talk about intimacy not attachment because while clearly related they are not the same thing. A couple could not achieve intimacy without a healthy attachment (or at least working towards a healthy attachment), but they can have attachment without intimacy e.g. the couple that stays together out of habit but don't really know each other.
If this couple *chose* to they could work towards imtimacy which would by its nature increase loving feelings, so our actions can change how we feel. Making a choice to love and be loving even when we don't feel like it, can actually give rise to "feelings" of love.
Here is some interesting stuff on the psychology of love:
Susana, I understand that you value relationships over and above the specific feelings that gave rise to them. That's a perfectly valid stand to take. I'm not trying to dispute this at all.
Here's the point I'm trying to make: many forms of love can last as long as or longer than the average relationship. The idea that infatuations are necessarily short-lived is mistaken. Limerence, for example, is an extremely strong emotion, that only some individuals experience, and it can sustain itself through decades with strong feelings that promote creative behavior. It's a form of being in love that lasts and lasts.
Are you familiar with Tennov's work on love and limerence?
Whatever the feeling, the choice to behave lovingly is not guaranteed to ignite it, nor does the choice to behave unlovingly necessarily extinguish it. Thank goodness we are not that easily manipulated by others -- or by ourselves.
I agree, for some people the feeling of being in love sticks around a lot longer, even for a whole lifetime or after they are no longer together. But I guess it's not those people that will be coming to this page! For the majority of couples that initially started off feeling totally in love with each other those initial feelings of infatuation fade over time. Some people may not even have started out their relationships with infatuation. Like you say there is a lot of variation. But the most common experience does seems to be one of falling in love >> conflict >> falling out of love >> seperation.
I wasn't aware of Tennov's work, so I looked it up and enjoyed reading it. I think she is agreeing with me. "Tennov estimates, based on both questionnaire and interview data, that the average limerent reaction duration, from the moment of initiation until a feeling of neutrality is reached, is approximately three years. The extremes may be as brief as a few weeks or as long as several decades. When limerence is brief, maximum intensity may not have been attained.
Limerence generally lasts about four months, but further studies on unrequited limerence have suggested longer durations."
I can relate to the potential longevity of this kind of infatuation and the intrusiveness of it. There is someone I had a relationship with many years ago, who still intrudes into my dreams and it shakes me up every time. :) The question I guess is, is this kind of infatuation to be preferred or exalted over other forms of love? My view is that it is not, but others may disagree.
You are correct that there are no guarantees, but continuing to work on a relationship after the initial flourish can be well worth the effort. Of course for some it will just not work out no matter how hard they try, but they won't know that unless they do. My view is that falling in love, or limerance, takes no effort at all, for most of us long lasting love takes a lot. It's not about manipulation of ourselves or others, but rather a willingness to put in the work.
Hi, Susana, I read your reply a while back, and I had to let it sink in for a while.
I think it's perfectly acceptable to base a marriage (or long term relationship) on something other than being in love. What I'm not so sure about is that the majority of couples do fall in love in the first place. Throughout history, arranged marriages were the norm, and even when people started choosing their own mates, the primary consideration is usually finding someone willing to enter into the relationship and make a commitment, after which the appropriate candidates are whittled down to the least objectionable one. In other words, there's a market for mates, and people make reasonable choices based on what they can get.
Given that this market issue drives most choices, it is one out of a hundred or so individuals who actually gets to mate for love (whether within or outside marriage.) Even for that lucky individual things may not be mutual. He or she may have entered into the relationship for love, but the other party may not have.
Now, attachment is a perfectly good emotion to carry a relationship, too, and in the days of arranged marriages, it often set in regardless of how the parties originally felt about one another. Attachment does not require mutual understanding. It requires only a willingness to accept the other person and to cling to them and support them, even without understanding.
The problem that I see with telling people who married for romantic love that when love dies they should stick it out anyway, is that it kind of begs the question: if the relationship isn't going to based on romantic love, why make your choice of a partner on that basis? Maybe someone else would have been a much more agreeable partner if love were not the issue.
I'm all for this indeed but not if there was any form of abuse in the relationship and you believe you have fallen out of love. Other wise I think it would be beautiful as a matter of fact I had to share this article it was quite informative. God bless
Susana - Thank you for this insightful information. After 14 months, my sweetheart and I (both in our late 50's) are transitioning into winter mode. Although I did not notice any reference to age (or life stages), I find that with maturity comes an increase in the importance one places on relationship. I was alone for 15+ years and did not realize how much I missed having someone to share my life - but with age come other challenges, We're facing chronic health conditions, the end of our careers, merging our families and deciding how to 'structure' our relationship.
There are some times when I just want to be alone again - but I truly love this man and am trying to work through (and enlighten him) this transition to a deeper phase. In a recent conversation, when we were attempting to get over an issue caused by lack of communication, he seemed surprised when I told him "When I say 'I love you' I'm not expressing a feeling, it's a commitment". That's the relationship my parents and grandparents had - it wasn't always rosy, but you could count on the person being there for you - and I think that's the true basis of a loving relationship.
Thank you for this wonderful resource to turn to as we work together to create this lasting (if not always romantic and exciting) relationship.
Your homework was really done on this hub. Excellent Hub!!
Hey. Very helpful article...provided great insight....my gf of 10 yrs and mother of my child recently ended our relationship and cited this as the primary reason....given there were some other issues too...( behavioura issues on my part...respect, communication, anger mgmt) as well as the fact that we got together quite early...I was 16, she was 17...neither of us have had much experience being single...I think she's really feeling the need for that... I'm wondering if I should forward this to her....she's told me there's still a lot of love there....and part of her hopes her heart leads her back, but at the same time she's also made quite clear that "the door on our romantic relationship is closed for now. But its not locked"...in her words....you seem fairly knowledgable regarding love and matters of the heart...I guess I'm torn....I don't want it to seem like I don't respect her feelings...cause I do very much...and I'm very much in favor of some time and space to ourselves...but I can't help but want to forward her this...maybe shed a bit of light on the fact that even if she's not in love, if we make a concerted, mutual effort to rekindle that love and truly try to make this work, maybe we don't have to give up our dreams of a happy future together and raising our daughter as a family.....id wecome any advice honestly...I'm realy torn!
thanks
How Long does the "winter" last.
Lovely article!Loving someone despite knowing his/her short-comings is real love.And that comes with time....Being patient to each other is the key....
i really loved this article,it has really helped me understand my realtionship,now i just to figure out what choice i have to make,to choose to love my boyfriend or to get another one.
I am really confused. After being with my husband for 20 years I have for maybe the last year started feeling that I am falling out of love. There hasn't been a catalist that I can see, no affairs or anything, just a gradual realisation on my part that I am not happy. I think he is less happy too but he is always so tired, his work takes all of his energy and there is nothing left for me. That used to bother me but now I dont mind him being immersed in work. I dont know what to do. We have 2 kids and I want them to be in a stable family. But I feel so sad all the time. My eye has wandered recently too but I haven't done anything about it, but I have dreamed that I have. Help
Confused - It sounds like you are feeling lonely in your relationship? Do you make the effort to spend quality time together on a regular basis? Could you plan a trip away together for a few days or at the very least plan a night out? Commitments and responsibilities often end up taking up all of our time and we forget to have fun together - but it's important to have time together away from all of that.
Men often work hard at their jobs because they actually see it as the best way of loving and caring for their families, but as women we often don't really appreciate it in that way - we just complain that they are never at home!
There's nothing wrong with dreaming about other people, most of us do at some point. I would say get a good book to help you create the relationship you want - "How to Create a Magical Relationship" is a good one - you'll find an overview of it here: http://hubpages.com/hub/Best-relationships-books
You could also check out my relationship tool to help you both see which areas of your life are taking up too much time and how you can refocus your activities to make more time for the things which will support your relationship, rather than make you drift further apart: http://hubpages.com/hub/Diagram-Structure-of-Relat
Can a spouse fall back in love after they have been rejected by their spouse over the years.
Thank you Susana, I will look at the links you gave. I dont know if it is too late though. I think part of the problem is that there is a third person in our relationship - his mother! She is always here and always critisicing me. I know she doesn't approve of me working - I work full time too and earn the same as him - I think she would rather I was at home cleaning the house and doing the washing all day.
The thing about the other man I keep thinking of is a problem. I have to avoid him now because I can't stop thinking about him. Which is totally pointless because he's married and wouldn't be remotely interested even if I were single. But also pointless because I'm not single and I really dont want to break up the family for the kids sake. At the same time I really feel that I need something more. It's not physical really, just someone to talk to that I have something in common with would be good. I think that is the thing about him, we have lots to talk about and really have a laugh in a way that I love. My husband just isn't interested in the same things as me and I dont think he ever really will be.
He's back. Got to go.
Thankyou for the magical relationship tool, its really clever you should put it in a book or something. We went away for a few days on our own and talked a lot and used the tool which really helped us think about what is important to each of us. He is thinking of reducing to part time at work or at least asking for better shifts so his mother wont always be here and he wont be so tired. He's agreed that I can start an evening class too if we can find a sitter other than his mother. I haven't seen the other man for over a week now but I do still keep thinking about him too but I know I have to stop because I think maybe its to do with him being a bit older and very kind so he makes me feel good about myself when he says things like he likes my hair down. My husband doesn't notice things like that, even if I've been to the salon. But when I told him that he was so shocked and said he was really sorry. So we're trying to work on it and everytime I look at the girls I know it would break their hearts if we did split so we have to try for them. So thankyou for your advice.
Wow confused, that is great positive feedback on my relationship tool :) Thanks for coming back to let me know it was helpful and that you and your husband are working at getting things back on track - you've made my day! My best wishes to you both x
Susana,
Unfortunately, I am recently experiencing a very tough time. I fear that my wife is falling out of love with me, after 31 years of marriage. We are seeing a marriage counselor, and we each see our own therapists. I am having a very difficult time understanding why this is happening. I am not perfect, but I have always treated her well, provided well, given lots of affection, made her laugh, tried to keep myself attractive to her etc. Up until just the past couple of weeks, she would initiate "I love you's", affection and intimacy. We discussed life plans like we would be together forever. Then the bombs came down. She is my soulmate and I am just crushed!
Reading your hub was very helpful to me. I plan to bring a printout of it to our next session, for discussion. I just hope that she is willing to try and make it work. Thanks.
Robert
Sorry to hear that you are going through a difficult time Robert. I hope that the two of you can resolve your differences and move on together as a couple. There must be something special there for you to have been married so long.
Wishing you all the best :)
I agree with your article and feel it can be amazingly helpful for many. My problem is I am in a relationship that did not start with that initial love, we are together because I got pg, and now 6 years later with another child, I know I am not in love with him and don't think I ever was. I was married previously and he passed away suddenly a year before my partner and I met. I have experienced real love and even that middle road where the infatuation is gone. I have 4 children total and know without a doubt they are the reason my partner and I are together. Without the strong initial phase I worry we will never be happy, or more so I will never be completely happy. Any insight?
I love this article so much, I have read it a few times now to keep faith in feeling this love again. My boyfriend and I have been together for almost two years and over the past month my feelings of being completely absorbed with our love has disappeared, and out of nowhere. This obviously worries me because just a few weeks ago I couldn't ever imagine my life without him by my side, I just want things to be normal again. I still love him and want to be with him, but I just feel numb towards everything. I feel like since neither of us want to give up on us, we will get through this. I truly think we are soulmates, and he is the only man I have ever wanted to grow old with. Do I just have to make it through this valley before these feelings start to come back.
Hi Rose, I'm happy to read that you've been by to read my article several times - thankyou :) Your comment makes me wonder if you may be a little depressed? Numbness towards everything is a common symptom of depression. And of course if you are depressed that will affect how you feel towards your partner too.
If you are sure you aren't depressed then I also wonder whether you have some unexpressed anger or resentment towards your partner? Bottling up these kinds of feelings can also cause a sense of numbness and lack of loving feelings.
What does it feel like to actually fall out of love though. A deep love stage? Okey here is my problem. I'm a deployed soldier who has had problems with Anxiety/Panic attacks. I went home for a 2 week leave and they stopped, I didn't have any problems. In the mean time I was deployed, I was planning a wedding... I know that alone is stress. We planned the wedding to be on this 2 week leave I had. It went great by the way and so did the 2 week leave- I loved every second being with my new wife. But from the day of the wedding I had to leave 4 days later... We took a small Honeymoon upnorth it was great. It came time to come back home, and things where still great. The night before I had to leave... I had a panic attack It literally hit me in less than a second. My parents happened to be over and a friend of mine... An well I had to get them out as rude as it was. A voice popped into my head (I DIDN'T WANT TO HEAR IT) but when I looked at my wife who was cooking dinner it said, "you don't love her and you never did." Could this be due to stress/anxiety, or is that falling out of love. Shes my bestfriend and always has been, I've been having problems coping with what went through my head (which started 6 days ago) even today. I think about it constantly fighting the fear off. I say I'm in love because it's a feeling I have. Shes my bestfriend, and has helped me through life alone, and my first 8 months of a stressfull deployement. I still have adriniline rushes that pump through my heart when the thought comes of why I even thought it in the beginning. I love how you put everything, But this doesn't feel right> I hear a couple sessions in the clinic for myself... (But I would like to add, the second I had that thought and broke down... I told her about the thought and I told her its a irrational one, I've been happy with her since we started dating. We've lived together for over 2 years, and dated years before that. She understands I've had problems and I am on a deployment. I'm just curious more or less. >Is this what it feels like... Depressed everyday, Fighting a voice you don't want to hear... Its not that I'm not in love with her, it's I never did love her. Its not like me... I've been on a search rampage for days. An am looking for more or less answers now... But its a fight, a fight I'm going to win & one I have to win for me... and us. So what do you all think- Anxiety/depression due to coming back into theater (only being married for 3 days) or is it something more. I've never ?'d "us". We had our problems but we haven't for quite some time (months)... ?????
Hi Tim,
Usually falling out of love happens over a period of time and not suddenly. The tingling feelings and stomach churning just kind of fall away - but as I've said in the article that doesn't mean that love has gone - only that the initial rush of emotion has petered out.
From what you've said I think the main problem you have here is depression and anxiety and that because of those things, your mind is playing tricks on you - scaring you even further and provoking further anxiety by telling you that you do not or have never loved your wife.
My advice would be get as much help as you can to deal with the depression and anxiety and also NOT to fight against this thought. Just allow it to be. The more you try to push it away, the more power and strength you give it and the more negative feelings and anxiety you will create for yourself.
If you can say to yourself, "Ok, I've had this thought but my mind is not quite right at the moment because I'm suffering from depression and anxiety, so I will just allow it to be and not take it too seriously."
As I said to the lady above, depression frequently wipes out positive feelings and this is most likely what is happening with you. Once you overcome the depression and anxiety, positive feelings will return. One book that I think would really help you is "Overcoming Depression" by Paul Gilbert. I have a short write up of it on this page: http://susana-s.hubpages.com/hub/books-on-depressi
Good luck and best wishes
hi your article makes so much sense to how am feeling thnkyou .i will try this.
I don't really care for the article, although I enjoy some of the comments. I think the tone of the article is very authoritative and sure without offering any real support for its basic assertions. Mostly, it seems like the author's personal experience and conclusions thereon, or pure speculation. I'd like to see an article like this with some actual references. It seems amatuerish otherwise.
Fair criticism I suppose. I've added some references which support the article. Also my background is in psychology and counselling, so what I've written here comes from that basis (rather than personal experience).
"attachment without intimacy e.g. the couple that stays together out of habit and have grown apart"
result---> I have fallen in love with a 16 yr old girl 3000 miles away on a social networking site and i don't even know her. I can hardly wait to fall out of love now 'cause it's killing me not to be with her.
My husband of 22 years has informed me he in not in love with me he loves me, but not in love. He wants to move out but has no where to go. I have asked him to go with me to talk it out and he has agreed, but he said he did not think it would work. Any advise?
Hello Susan,
Recently my fiancee gave me an ultimatum. She said that if I don't get my job situation straight then she will return the ring that I gave her. She has a much better job than I have and she has helped support me every since we have been together. She has on many occasions let me borrow money, and even helped me pay off some school debt. I have been in and out of work in the past three years and she is fed up with. However, she is not materialistic and she doesn't expect me to have some great paying job right now. She just wants me to stop relying on her when I get into jams.
At first I was cool about it, agreed with her. As time went by I started having ill feelings about her and I stated trying to find things about her that I didn't like. I also started questioning her beauty in a way that I never questioned it before. These feelings really hurt me because I cannot say in my mind that I don't want her, don't love her, or don't want to marry her. The thought of "I don't want her, or she is not attractive" has constantly been entering my mind and I am afraid that these thoughts will overtake what I think in my mind. I love her and I am willing to do what I can to keep her but these thoughts are really bugging me. I have also felt pressure about finding a decent job with some decent pay and this has really stressed me out.
What is my problem?
Hey Susana,
Me and my girlfriend have been together for about 4 and 1/2 years now. About 4 months ago I got a job at a place about 6 hours away from my girlfriend (she's still in college). So long story short after 3 months of being there we had a really long talk and she told me that she will always love me and doesn't want to lose me but isn't "in love with me anymore" like I am with her. I think she was getting used to the idea of me being away forever and is trying to get over me. So, about a month ago I ended up moving back home and were still broken up at the time even though we still hang out a little bit, but I'm not sure what her feelings are right now and its driving me crazy not being with her :(. But, I don't want to ask her if her feelings changed yet because I'm afraid it might make things worse, like if she still doesn't feel the same way then it will be to awkward for us to hang out which I don't want or she might feel that I'm pressuring her into making a decision and I don't want to do that either. Any advice? Thanks for your help!
Thanks for the eye opener, I thought i was losing my mind after being married for 18yrs with 2 wonderful children.I did not no it was normal to fall out of love but the fact of the matter is i have. In fact as mean as it sounds sometimes i don't even like him, i mean what do you do with that, i can't talk to anyone about it until now.it is a depressing place to be but i,m generally a patient person so i wait. i can relate with confused on her feelings on all levels including thinking about another person.perhaps unlike her i took it a bit further but not a physical level. its finished although i think about it alot i need to move past it i know what i,m suppose to do what i probably will do because like confused keeping the family together is of the up most importance.i feel guilty for the level selfishness i showed, however without that experience i think i may have been worse off kind of dead inside not caring about what happened. its made me feel more strive for better (Health wise)and also realize that i was actually out of love. it also made me realize i am worth it. now i have to make are marriage worth it and keep moving forward one day at a time.
Hey Susana.. I wanted to see your input on my situation. Me and and My wife have been married for 5yrs..knowing her for about almost 10...I am 32 and she is 27...on Aug 19 she moved out and said that she has been unhappy for 3yrs...we get along great...there was no violence between us...no cheating...our issue was lack of communication...when we argued we would take a time out for about 20min and than we would look at each other smile and make up...for the past 2 months our sex life was down mainly her not in the mood...and when we did she felt that it was like a chore..and myself was not really into it but my love for her is still strong to this day..i can honestly say that everyday that i woke up to her i fell in love all over again..but now she said that she feels that were becoming like roomates...she said she loves me very much but not in love like before...and now i found out she met somone via Facbook for only 3 weeks...and within the first 2 weeks he bought her 2 plane tickets for them to go to PR for her Bday in Nov...she told me that he is someone special buts not serious? but i know for a fact that they are getting to know each other "very" well...it pains me to know that she hasnt filed for divorce for what ever reason but she is seeing this other guy...i already know that he is 34yrs old and only after 3 weeks of knowing her is already saying this like i love you..u mean so much to me...we have a great connection and things like that...he doing things with her that i did but than after awhile it faded alittle until she nudged me to do willingly...i need help with this...i love her unconditionly..what should i do...i dont want to give up...but i feel she already did...
This makes alot of sense to me.i have been depressed and on medication.do u think this can make u feel like u are falling out of love?
micki
Great, great article!
In a comment before someone may have questioned your credibility, but reading all the other comments I see people turning to you for support, sou must be credible after all!
My boyfriend and I have been dating for four years and we still find ourselves in the conflict stage. I think the "honeymoon" stage ended for us 2 years ago. I stick with my boyfriend because despite the crappy times we sometimes have, I know that he's a good guy and will always be there for me. Knowing this, I think I can also see that our relationship will get better and that our love can grow so much more as the years go on.
Thanks for the great article, I'm definitely going to read the other hubs you have written :)
Take Care!
Manda
Great article! Whisk I read this a year and a half ago. My marriage was over more than a year now. My ex husband grew out of love and decided its over for him. I thought we were going through the normal stages of marriage and are having fight and quarrels like any married couple. Many times I felt we are not connected as before and that he is not loving me as before. I confronted him and he assured me he loved me more than before and that the lust stage is over and we are just in the true love stage. I convinced myself that everything is fine until one day we had a big fight where things got out of control and he said it was over. He then told me he had no feelings towards me and didn't find me sexually attractive. I was shocked to hear that and thought he's just saying that because he was mad at me and is just taking out his anger on me. I then discovered that he has been feeling this way for more than two years and was putting up with me for the sake of our child. I s I still feel hurt and guilty for not following my gut feeling. I also feel betrayed as he was keeping his frustrations simmering inside him and never shared them with me. I still feel that I love him but he obviously closed this chapter in his life to the extent he never asks about our kid. I whist we both were reading this kind of articles on marital stages/ conflicts before. It really makes sense that every marriage passes through a trough phase but the couple should have the commitment and the willingness to stick together and not give up on each other so easily.
Very interesting and detailed. I like the part where the true love begans after the conflict stage is over. We need to be patient and persevere to let the conflict stage pass away.
So how is this "real love" different from ordinary friendship? If the romance and attraction is gone, why should this person be your wife or husband instead of just one of your friends? Why should we not instead seek new partners so that we can feel passionate again?
I am in the middle of a he's time we hit our hard time a little while back my wife has had an affair. I still love her though and forgive her. I can trust her also but I am afraid she will not let me in. same thing she says she loves me but is not in love. 3 children under five means there is a lot to lose. The way forward seems hard to find. I am trying to develop the deeper friendship but it is hard to break down the walls we both helped build. Perhaps I can forgive her for the the affair because I know I helped it happen. Any advice.
My advice would be to get away together for a few days and use it as an opportunity to really talk to each other. Couple counseling is something else you could look into. The only way you'll both move forward is through communication. Good luck!
My boyfriend and I are going through the samething, He says his love was fading away but he says he still loves me and is just confused.. He has so much going on at his house his parents argue so much almost everyday I just want some advice on how I could help him get through this HELP!!
I moved out of my marital home due to verbal abuse. Yelling and belittling me in front of our children etc.... I thought some space would be good ESP because I didnt want my daughters to see me always crying while he yelled at me. Not to mention his affairs with other women. Fast forward 7 months later he has said he doesn't see us reconciling but we have been going to counseling and spend time together with our girls and have been intimate on several occasions. I suspect he is seeing someone else which given he did that while we were married. Do I continue to work on our marriage or just give up?
Nayeli - Ask him what he wants/needs. If he can be clear and honest with you then you'll know how to help him (if he wants help that is).
Hi Paige - from what you've said he doesn't sound like a very good husband (he sounds like a big kid, not an adult that is capable of a grown up relationship). I guess the only way this marriage will survive is if 1: he wants it to and is willing to grow up 2: you really want it to and are also prepared to completely accept that he will probably always cheat on you. Do you want to accept that? Some women do, but most of us need a man who will be faithful.
Tom Koecke Level 3 Commenter 3 years ago
Wow! This Hub says so much concisely! I am impressed!
I really like the way you describe the relationship process, especially the Difficult phase. I had always considered that the secret to a long relationship was not breaking up, much the way the secret to a long life is not dying. I didn't know why, but I sure have a better understanding now!
I look forward to reading more from you!